Fears Of A Girly Girl

So this past week a lot has been on my heart... Life has been happening... God has been working and doing some things I don't understand and some things that I'm excited about.

I've been thinking a lot about who God has made me to be. The characteristics and personality He has given me. My gifts, my talents, and my weaknesses.... All from Him, to draw me closer to Him, to praise Him, and glorify Him.

Ever since I was a little girl I was always oozing girlyness. I never liked playing sports (but I'll watch em), I wore tap shoes in the morning for slippers because I always loved the sound of a heel. I played Barbie's all the time, and wouldn't let my mom walk me to the bus stop without wearing lipstick (all before the age of 4)... I loved being feminine and being as weird as this is for me to say... a woman. 

As I grew older a lot people perceived my feminine traits as being stuck up, prissy, full of myself, and the like. And some of those things may have been true back in the day...  But even know, with even those who are in the Church I fear people still have this judgement of me, because I've seen it and experienced it. 

People who only have a surface relationship with me only think "surfacy" things of me, because they assume their judgements are right... And they may not necessarily be bad judgements, but they are still only things you assumed from the outside. I remember talking to a brother one time and he was shocked that I loved to shoot guns, go paint balling, get in the mud and just be free. He sincerely thought all I wanted to do was to shop. At first it really hurt my feelings, that he thought I was so shallow.... Was I not a Daughter of the Most High? I store up treasures in Heaven, not here... Did he believe that about me?

And I started thinking this weekend... Would men not get to know me because they think my outside gives them enough insight? I can already see men thinking "High Maintenance. stay away..." and it's so hurtful, because I can be judged so much from the outside, but that's not God at all... He doesn't look at outward appearances, he cares what's on the inside, what's in my heart. So if we follow God, shouldn't this be our heart as well?

It's crazy because two of my best friends are opposities of me if you were to look at us from the outside only, you would be like "How did this happen??" But when you get to know us from the inside, you'd see how much we have in common and what binds us together is Christ, not our clothes, money, likes or dislikes, but God... And I'm so grateful that they looked past my appearance and got to know me.

This is the thing though... I will not change who I am just to get a boyfriend or a husband... I will not live a lie. Getting married is not the end all be all. As long as what I'm doing or have in my heart is not sinful, then I have zero conviction to start wearing only jeans and t-shirts everyday to make the boys less intimidated or the girls more secure.  I don't dress for others but I dress the way I do because I don't know any different. I couldn't be any different even if I tried. 

"Anything not done out of faith is considered sin"- Romans 14:23

But let's get this straight. I am still a human. I cry, I get discouraged, I get hurt, I love to laugh until my stomach hurts, I can struggle with trusting God, I will try anything new or at least once. I still love to wear big sweat pants or a loose jumper with my hair in a bun and no make up just as much as the next girl. I don't dress up everyday, and I do get lazy with my appearance. I don't feel ugly without make up and will many many times not wear make up and go out and be fine with it. I don't live to people please. 

At the end of the day, I just want my heart to be be like Jesus. My prayer for who ever (if ever) I get married is that we would make each other more like Christ... Nothing else. 

That's all I wanted to say today...

Love,

Steph