Put On Hold

As many of you know, about a week ago I fasted and decided to go on a marathon with God for 48 hours. I dived into scriptures, listened to sermons, asked for advice, called people, and pretty much read read read and prayed prayed prayed.

The reason I fasted (which I will explain what kind of fast later) is because basically the internship of my dreams, the specifically-prayed-for-for 6 months-internship, the specifically answered for internship was well... 

Put.On.Hold

For someone who struggles with patience to the extreme, this was like a death to my heart. I remember God giving me this internship and answered every prayer and gave me the perfect one, and for it to be put on hold I felt wasn't fair.

Not only do I struggle with patience I struggle with pride in a busy schedule and sometimes putting my desires (job success and school success) before what God has desired for me.

Even though the internship was put on hold for a month or two, I wanted to immediately start looking for another position, just in case. 

But I knew that God was trying to teach me something. So for 48, grueling hours, I didn't go and look for another job or internship, I dwelled in God and asked Him to show me what He wanted me to learn from this.

The first thing that jumped out at me and that God was really trying to get across to me was

2 Corinthians 12:9

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness', so that Christ's power may rest on me."

So that was a lot to take it, to truly just make myself understand and believe that that is true, to not think that His grace and A,B,and C will be enough, but JUST His grace.

Then God really showed me the story of Paul's thorn in His side and how Paul begged God to take it out but He didn't as well as all the other

 extreme circumstances that all the disciples faced and then it occurred to me:

Why is this trial such a surprise? It only makes sense that when I was in the world, I was the God of my own life and therefore I got everything I wanted, but now that I have made Jesus Lord, I am not always going to get everything that I want, which is okay, because God always has better. The mind that I am dealing with is so limited compared to God's mind. I couldn't even fathom all the things He has planned. 

I needed to stop thinking that trials meant punishment from God. Trials are God's form of grace for us to be shaped more like His son, to refine our character, to give us hope, and lean not on our own understanding but on God's. And when that great day comes God will be able to say:

"Well done, good and faithful servant".

I've learned that God will go to extreme measures to make sure I am not prideful and if He did it for Paul He certainly will do it for me.

I am grateful for a Father's love such as this. A Father who disciplines me because He loves me, a Father who wants me to rely on Him and doesn't want me to do it on my own, and a Father who gives mercy beyond measure when I do mess up.

(Photography by Amanda Williams)