Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Things I'm Afraid To Tell You

So this little challenge and campaign has been sprouting all over the blog world. I usually don't jump on bandwagons, but I feel this is more than that, it is a chance to be open with you all and be transparent. So here it goes.

1) I'm terrified for this up coming school year-- My real estate degree plan has gotten so intense, and I only have 2 professors to take (and they are both as difficult as they come) that I feel dumb when I go to class. I have put so much worth in my high GPA and this semester it fell from a 3.6 to a 3.4 and I just about died. I've been doing a lot of praying and getting a lot of advice and I am pretty sure I am going to change my major... My last year of college... which makes me feel like a quitter, but at what point does it not become worth it anymore?

2) I'm afraid I won't find the "perfect man" that I have made in my head and I will have to "settle" when I get married. I feel sometimes selfish and prideful that I want to be treated like a "Princess" (and no, not the wine and dine kind of way) but I am a daughter to a King, so don't I deserve a "Prince" until my King comes and gets me?

3) I'm very self conscious about my face. I can't tell you how many times I've been late to class so I could put on some make-up. My worst nightmare would be me waking up late for an exam and not having anytime to put any make up on and having all my classmates seeing me without and thinking "She should stick to the make-up". The least amount I've worn is only concealer and mascara. I'm also scared that if I get married, my husband won't like me without make-up. The thing is, I don't mind going places without it that I know I won't see those people again (grocery store, running errands, etc), but places like school and church I feel too self conscious, even though I have had many people tell me I look just as beautiful without it (but I secretly feel like they are just saying that to be nice). 

4) I've gained 20 pounds in the past year and I get depressed when I can't fit into a lot of my cute clothes I still have. This is the first time in my life where my thighs have touched and it makes me feel like I'm just another girl now who's thigh's touch and not the girl that people used to envy when I had stick legs (I guess that's what I get...)

5) I always feel like God is going to punish me. Like if a waver a bit or if I don't spend all day everyday with Him and nothing is every good enough. It comes from my broken relationship with my father who has conditional love for me (so I think he does) so I see God that way a lot... It can be exhausting, emotional, and stressful to work for God's love (which I know it can't be done... but my mind doesn't grasp that)

6) When I was in Middle School, things had gotten so bad for me at home and at school I had seriously considered suicide. Now that I look back I believe it was for attention, I didn't feel loved by anyone and I knew that holding that knife in my hand would cause someone in my family to care.

7) The World sometimes can still look appealing. Satan will tempt me to go back to my old ways of living and I will have everything I want and be selfishly ambitious and get so much more attention but I'm so glad God's voice is so much stronger and that I have remained in Him and with Him.

8) Being a failure for me would be moving back in with my parents after I graduate. I'm so afraid that I wont have a good paying job after college and I will still have to rely on my parents.

9) I'm afraid I'll die young and never get to experience a lot of the blessings that life has to offer but then I feel bad, because I know I shouldn't make this World my home.

10) I'm really afraid to give financial things to God. I don't know if He'll all of a sudden take everything away and I will have to live pay check to pay check for the rest of my life because I have been privileged growing up and that a lot of people I know who have really trusted God with their finances haven't done very well financially.... And I know that's worldly to think about it that way. Whenever I hear about people talk about wealth at church or a sermon about money it makes me feel like I should feel bad for my family being financially blessed and as I read many stories of amazing men of God in the scriptures, many of them were wealthy: Job, Abraham, David, Matthew... and the list goes on" so does God love me more if I'm "poor and simple?" does that mean I trusted Him with my finances or can God financially bless me and me be a good steward (I'm not wanting to be a millionare or to be frivolous, I just want to be able to be at peace with paying bills and able to put money in savings) .

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